View Full Version : Accounting humour! lol
anastasia270683
25-11-06, 14:26
I'm not sure if similar thread exists, but why don't we post accounting jokes here?
here we go!
An accountants love letter
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My dear abc
Darling this is my first letter to you, and I want to tell you how much "consideration" I have got for you. Your account was opened in the books of my heart when I first saw you. You looked just like a Balance Sheet whose both sides are equal. I straightaway want to meet you so that I can show you my trial balance from which the financial statements of our love can be prepared. Please, give a debit balance to my request in your books and see me as soon as you can. You will only then find out that my financial statements show a true and fair view and have been prepared according to the provisions of the law of love and are not materially misstated. I will eagerly wait for your acceptance to my offer. Trust Me, that my cost of goods sold statement would be appropriate for you. According to the best of my knowledge and faith I feel that I have been fallen in love with you and know eagerly looking forward for your acceptance to my offer. Love!
Only Yours
anastasia270683
25-11-06, 14:29
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Excellent! Game on, I think!
TBC...
8)
Moderators:-
This post/window is waiting for you to delete...
Baggybooks
25-11-06, 18:27
3 accountants walked into a pub...no, you'll never believe it!
:P
Helen
Totally agree with you Helen
I have a joke...
Three people were going for a job, a mathmetician, a statistician, and an accountant. It all came down to the final question - which was "What do you get if you add 2 to 2?"
The Mathmetician said "Four. Always four and never anything else."
The Statistician said "Normally it would be four, but 5% of the time you will get a different result."
The Accountant got up, closed the curtains, and shut the door. Returning to the desk he leaned over and said quietly "What would you like me to make it?"
Hehehe Bryony, that's a good one - I was going to post it myself but couldn't remember whether it was already on another forum or whether I had received it on e-mail...
still, made me chuckle so thanx for that
Baggybooks
27-11-06, 12:30
It's Monday - we need all the chuckles we can get!
:lol:
Helen
How many auditors does it take to make a sandwich?
Depends how thickly you slice them!!
Scott.
Baggybooks
27-11-06, 12:40
Best one yet!
How many auditors does it take to make a sandwich?
Depends how thickly you slice them!!
Scott.
Ok - I had to think about it. But I LOVE it!!! :D
AAT Member
27-11-06, 15:58
An accountant goes into his doctors office and says 'I'm having trouble sleeping.' The doctor says 'have you tried counting sheep?' the accountant says 'yes, thats the problem. I make a mistake then spend three hours trying to find it!'
Gem
One my boss told us at his retirement dinner last month.
Person goes to the doctor, obvioulsy not feeling too well. The doctor does some tests, and looks gravely at the worried patient. "I am afraid it looks like you only have about 6 months left," he said. "Really?" says the very shocked patient, who thought it was just a bad cold. "Is there anything I can do?" The doctor replied: "The only advice I can give you is to find an accountant quickly and marry them." The patient is some what confused by this, but asks "Will that make me live longer?" "No," said the doctor, "but it will sure as hell make it feel like it!"
And that from a Chartered Accountant with many years experience! :roll: :D
AAT Member
05-12-06, 20:50
How do you confuse a PEV examiner?
Ask them the difference between 6 & 8!
:wink:
Baggybooks
05-12-06, 21:05
Ho, ho, ho young Baggybooks. And what would you like for Christmas?
A chin and lip wax, please Santa!
:lol:
If you can't laugh at yourself, there's really no hope!
:wink:
Can I have an easy PTC paper on Friday please as an early prezzie... I've been a good boy all year (honestly).
Okay, time to breathe new life into an old dried up thread. Joke from The Two Ronnies reruns on ITV...
There was a large fire at the inland revenue this afternoon, however firemen managed to put out the blaze before any permanent good could be done.
I thought it was funny anyway!
Robert
:D
I know I've posted this before, but it still makes me laugh lots everytime I read it. God bless The Onion
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/45794
Chris
Baggybooks
22-01-07, 23:14
Very good. I think I know his cousin.
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
Baggybooks
23-01-07, 16:16
Paul!
Very funny.
:lol:
Nothing to do with accounting whatsoever, but I had this sent to me via myspace last night and had a crackin chuckle at it - let's see if I can remember how it went.
Crazy Ethel was admitted to a mental asylum after falling out of her wheelchair, to pass time she liked to race around corners and through corridors in the nursing home on her electric wheelchair, sometimes even taking corners on two wheels and putting platic bottles between her wheels and frame to make a motor engine noise.
One night, Ethel was screeching down the corridor commentating on her own racing technique and pulling wheelies when Deformed Derek put his hand out of his door and shouted "STOP!"... Crazy Ethel screeched her voice whilst braking.. "Licence Please" said Deformed Derek - Ethel searched her handbag and produced a piece of tin-foil "There Officer" said Ethel; proudly presenting her tin-foil-driving-licence.
"On your way madam" said Derek. Ethel revved her engine (shouting vvruum vvrum) and sped off at 5 mph, soon afterards she was at full pelt weaving in and out of sick elderly people when an outstretched arm appeared, "Proof of Insurance please Ethel" said Fidgeting Frank, "Here you are" replied Ethel, proudly showing a drinks coaster as proof of insurance, "thank you ma'am, on your way"
Ethel sped off into the night zooming past ward after ward when all of a sudden Hard On Harry jumped out of his room door naked and shouted "STOP!"
"Oh No"
"What have I done officer"
"You know the drill" said Harry
"Not the Breathaliser again"
Baggybooks
23-01-07, 17:09
:oops:
:lol:
:wink:
Classic Jamie! Possibly the first and only time that the phrase 'hard-on' will ever be mentioned on the AAT forums!
No wonder the long timers on here think the forums have gone downhill since the summer! I say we breathe new life into them and make the long days pass just that litle bit quicker and with a lot more humour!
Robert
Classic Jamie! Possibly the first and only time that the phrase 'hard-on' will ever be mentioned on the AAT forums!
Well that makes it twice :)
Baggybooks
24-01-07, 08:34
Hopefully, the powers that be won't be too 'hard on' us for promoting humour in the workplace!
:oops:
my great grandfather had an orchard once - he said it was so big he could play on it all day and not cover all the surface...
The Tax man Cometh
One morning the vicar opened the chapel doors and there stood the Auditor, typical type - tired looking, scrawny, clipboard and fancy pen. "I've come to have a look in your stock room vicar, take me to it" said the auditor "Good Morning young man, right this way sir" replied the vicar.
The auditor was in a foul mood, 'probably didn't get any last night' thought the vicar, "I'm quite busy, can you manage on your own" asked the vicar, the auditor was so up his own _ _ _ that he failed to even respond.
30 minutes passed and the auditor surfaced from the stock room with 3 boxes, one labelled bread-crumbs, one labelled wine droplets and one labelled cirumcisions.
Being in the foul mood he was in, the auditor quizzed the vicar on why he was claiming money for bread for the service when he had a box full of bread crumbs "well sir, they are crumbs and we can't allow people to eat them" said the vicar "well WHY have them in storage then!" replied the nasty auditor "Well, we collect the crumbs and left over bread and send it back to the breadmakers who kindly send us a couple of free loaves of bread" said the vicar.
Feeling defeated by the vicar, the auditor tried to get one up on him by asking the same about the wine, queerying why more wine was being bought when there were half empty bottles in the store room "well, that wine cannot be drank sir, it has not been kept correctly - we collect it and send them to the wine merchants who send us a few free bottles now and then" replied the confident vicar.
The auditor was becoming increasingly furious that a vicar of all people was getting the better of him, so he tried to be cunning and said "OK then, what do you do with all the foreskins you have here from the circumcision box Vicar..." and without a second thought or pause or hesitation the vicar replied
"Well, once a year we send all of the foreskins to the Inland Revenue, and once a year they send us a complete prick; good day sir"
Baggybooks
24-01-07, 12:11
:oops:
Baggybooks
30-01-07, 20:36
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** that will put you over the top.
Nice one Helen! Very true! :lol:
Baggybooks
30-01-07, 23:07
Just passing it on - no doubt someone will check the maths tomorrow and complain it's wrong!
:wink:
Did you know that money is inversely proportional to knowledge? It's true, and here's the proof:
Physics tells us that Power can be defined as Work done divided by [b]Time taken[b].
(1) Power = Work ÷ Time
We can easily rearrange this to give Time in terms of Work and Power:
(2) Time = Work ÷ Power
It is also intuitively obvious that Time is Money and Knowledge is Power. Or mathematically:
(3) Time = Money
(4) Knowledge = Power
Substituting equations (3) and (4) into equation (2) gives:
Money = Work ÷ Knowledge
This equation shows that as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity. Or in plain language, the less you know, the more money you have, regardless of the amount of work you do.
Baggybooks
31-01-07, 14:07
I'm sure this appeared in a Study Zone last year.
:roll:
vBulletin® v3.7.1, Copyright ©2000-2008, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.